I figured it was about time I wrote a post on the importance of communication in a healthy relationship.

Because like we’ve all probably heard a thousand times, you won’t have a happy marriage (or dating relationship, or friendship) if you don’t communicate.

Seth and I went through premarital counseling in the months leading up to our wedding. The couple counseling us told us that most conflicts in marriage comes from one of three issues: money, sex, and communication. And truthfully, issues in the first two categories still typically stem from a root issue in communication.

Yeah, communication’s pretty important.

I think the marriage stereotype is that the wife always talks about her feelings, but the husband is a closed book. For Seth and I, it’s the exact opposite. Seth is an open book. He easily shares his thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams—all of it. I, however, have a terrible time sharing how I feel. It’s hard for me. I tend to keep it all for myself.

When Seth and I have a conflict and I really do need to share, I have difficulty verbalizing my problems. Like, I can’t even put my thoughts into words.

But in our two years of marriage (I know, our marriage relationship is still a baby… but we’re learning!), Seth and I have developed some strategies for keeping communication alive. Here are six of my favorites.

1. If you can’t say it, write it down.

Like I said, sometimes, I have an awful time putting my thoughts into words. One night early on in our marriage, I was upset but I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling. Seth encouraged me to write him a letter. Writing things down was much easier for me than talking, because there was less pressure. 

I’ve heard of others who will even send emails to each other when they feel frustrated. Figure out what works for you, and when you can’t say something, write it down.

2. Make communication a priority and a regular part of your week.

We’re all busy people. The truth is, if communication in your relationship isn’t a priority, it’s not going to happen. Make communication a regular part of your week. Schedule it, if you have to! Seth and I don’t do this, but we know people who set aside a certain evening of the week for more intentional relationship-centered conversation, and I think this is a wonderful idea.

3. Don’t let it fester.

Often times, fights in a relationship don’t just stem from a single issue. They erupt out of building pressure created by issues that build on top of each other. The longer you suppress your problems, the more they will fester and grow. 

So instead, talk out your problems as they come. This will make communication in your relationship much easier and safer for both of you.

4. Don’t wait for the other person to make the first move toward reconciliation.

Again, when you do get in a fight, don’t let it fester. And don’t sit around waiting for the other person to make the first move and say sorry. When my brother and I got into fights when we were younger, my parents always said, “It takes two to fight.”

I didn’t believe them at the time, but I see the wisdom of that statement now. Arguments are between two people, not just one. Either of you can make the first move toward reconciliation.

5. Create a safe word.

This is kind of silly, but Seth and I created a safe word about a year ago that we drop into a conversation when things are getting unnecessarily heated. Our word is “mayonnaise.” It’s a super random word (and it’s also something both of us hate). Saying that word has a way of lightening the mood and redirecting the conversation to being productive rather than damaging.

6. Keep prayer at the center of your relationship.

Pray, pray, pray. Communication isn’t just about how you talk with each other—it’s also about how you talk with God as a couple. And when God is at the center of your relationship, your bond is infinitely stronger.

I hope you find some of these tips helpful in your relationships, whether with a spouse or with a friend! I’d love to hear the tips you have as well.

And never forget… you are onederfully created.

Love,
Becca