I don’t know about you, but I’m a people pleaser. I don’t like to let people down. I like to say yes, because I feel terribly guilty when I have to say no to something, even if I’m already busy. I wish I could say yes all the time.
But the reality is, you can’t say yes all the time. You can’t give from an empty well. If you push yourself too hard, your well is going to dry up and you’ll have nothing left to give.
The problem is, we also can’t say no all the time. We are called to love and to serve others. There has to be a balance between the “yes’s” and the “no’s.” But where can that balance be found?
My goal in this post is to share with you not only when to say no (and when to say yes), but also how to say no… and sometimes, that can be the trickiest part!
When to Say No
In order to know when it’s time to say no, you first need to have a clear understanding of your own priorities.
What do you value most in life? Your relationship with God? Your family? Time with friends? Your work? The way you invest your time should reflect how you order your top priorities. I’d encourage you to take some time to write out your priorities to give you a visual of how you want to be spending your time.
My top priority is my relationships—with God, with my husband, with my family, with my friends, and with myself. Another one of my top priorities is serving others with the gifts God has given me, through my job and through my writing. But my relationships come before my work.
So, for example, if I was asked to help out at some sort of ministry event, but I already had a date night scheduled with Seth and we hadn’t been able to spend a lot of time together lately, I’d say no to the event. My relationship with Seth has to come first.
I’ve heard it said like this before: whenever you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. Maybe you’re saying no to time with family, or time caring for yourself, or time with Jesus. But putting this in perspective can really be helpful.
Saying yes is wonderful and lovely and certainly has a big and important place.
But there’s also a time to say no, and it’s just as important to learn where no has its place.
How To Say No
Some of you may have no problem with saying no, and if that’s you, feel free to skip this section. But if you’re like me, and you think saying no is hard, keep reading.
I think the first step to saying no is practicing. The more you say no, the easier it will be. You can even just practice saying it to yourself… no is a full sentence. It’s a complete thought. It really doesn’t require a long and lengthy explanation.
At the same time, honesty and vulnerability can help you learn how to say no without feeling guilty about it afterward. Few people will be upset with you if you say you can’t do something because you’ve already committed to spend time with family that day, or because you really need to rest and take a moment to breathe, or because you’re being intentional about putting your priorities in order. The truth is, though they might be a little disappointed, they’re going to understand because they’ve probably been there once or twice themselves.
Another tip is, instead of saying yes or no right away, ask for some time to think about it. Sit with your priorities. Check in with your life to see if this is something that fits in with your season, or if it’s something that is going to take away from other things that are important to you.
I know it’s not always easy, but saying no is an important practice, just like saying yes is important too!
And by the way, my friend, never forget… you are onederfully created.
Love,
Becca
Thank you for sharing this. It is really difficult to say no, especially to family and friends. Just like you, I am a people pleaser. I have to stop being one. I need to please myself and my family unit first before I please others. It is hard to say no. But, just as you say, we have to, sometimes.
Thanks. I love all your posts.
Thanks for reading, Esmeralda… I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I think sometimes we spend so much of our energy focusing on pleasing people when really, our energy should be focused on pleasing God.
I like you am a people pleaser, and saying no has not always come easily!
I will say after having my son, it has become easier!
Great post, thank you for sharing!!!
Thank you for reading, Rachel! I’m encouraged to hear that it may come easier with time 🙂
I think I have the opposite problem, I say no too frequently. I’ve gotten into my own routine and have become wrapped up in my church, my family and my blog. Those are good things, of course. But it’s in my alone time I regret giving up, even though I know I should say yes more. I’m working on it.
Wendy, it’s funny you say that, because today’s blog post is actually about saying yes! I’m about to post it now 🙂 But it’s difficult to strike a good balance I think.
This is something that is a continuing challenge for me. But you’re right, sometimes it’s okay to say no. And it’s also okay to not feel guilty about it!
Yes!! That’s so important to remember… if no is the right answer for you in that moment, there’s no reason to feel guilty!
Great read, Becca! I especially liked “no is a full sentence! I would fall into the trap of thinking I owed a big explanation with my no. I read somewhere that “no” is the only thing a salesman can’t argue with. It’s true! Your article was also a nice reminder of my priorities. Who do I want to serve today? Ummm…the Lord. 🙂
Thank you, Gail! I love that idea that no is the only thing a salesman can’t argue with. I’m still figuring that out myself, too 🙂
This was a great read. I agree that you need to prioritize first. I am working on not feeling guilty when I say no.
Thank you, Charlene! I’m glad it resonated with you today.
Thank you for this! It is so important to say no sometimes. We often stretch ourselves too thin. I like this reminder to slow down and prioritize our time!
Thanks for reading, Jordan! I agree… we do tend to stretch ourselves thin. And rest is such an important practice!
Oh, goodness…did this ever resonate with me. I, too, am a people pleaser and want to make everyone around me happy. I’m slowly learning that I can’t do it all and I’m slowly learning to treat myself more gently when I do have to say no.
Nikki, I’m so glad this resonated with you and I’m glad you can relate! I’m definitely still in the process of learning these things as well.
Such a great lesson to learn! I’ve gotten better about saying No the past year or so, but have definitely struggled in the past! I’m also an introvert, so sometimes my only reasoning is that I need some time to myself. Nothing wrong with that, and friends will be surprisingly understanding most of the time!
Lindsey, I’m an introvert too, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with needing time to yourself… especially since that’s how introverts regain their energy! I’ve found that people are pretty understanding as well.
Hi! This was a great post! As soon as I saw the title, I knew I needed to read it. I used to say that I wish I was a bit$h sometimes. Saying no is major for me. I am always overextending myself. I love the way you logically talked it through. I will definitely practice saying no. Thanks!
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I’m so glad you enjoyed it, Tiffany! There is balance to be found between saying yes and no, but I do feel like many of us tend to overextend ourselves, especially during certain seasons of life.
Very insightful and definitely needed for me. I like your number one priority as God. In fact I like all of your priorities.
Susan, thanks so much for reading! I’m glad you resonated with my priorities 🙂